carolina blue...

It is chilly in Chapel Hill Saturday evening. I parked in the municipal parking lot ($0.65 per 30 minutes -- much better than the parking in NYC, which is where I was last week) and walked the to Spanky's Bar & Grill. I expected a younger crowd, simply judging from the name, but I sat next to a pair of tables with what looked like older couples getting together for weekly conversation and pints of Guinness. I felt a little out of place because I was drinking Bass out of a bottle. That, and the fact I was about half the age of anyone in the little bar besides the wait staff. The large window I sat next to framed the brick buildings across the street, decorated with white lights and people in Carolina blue scarves. Or maybe Duke blue. I'm still getting used to the subtleties. I poured the beer into the glass provided (quite expertly, I might add, with just the right amount of head), and it stayed cold until the last ounce or so. I don't like warm beer, but I didn't want to waste it, so I finished it.

I walked outside to see three guys in long hair and acid-washed jean jackets walk by, smelling of high school and adidas cologne. Which, incidentally, are the same smell. I had forgotten momentarily that the 80s were back, so seeing them kind of threw me. I wear a denim jacket as well, so I definitely fit in with this group. Except that I was an old lady who didn't even get carded at the bar I just went to, and the last time I smelled adidas cologne was in 1998. Crazy how some smells fling memories into consciousness.

I am trying to figure out where I fit in. I am interviewing at a bunch of schools to see where I can get a residency. It is hard to judge a program based on one or two days of a formal interview. I am sure they don't get a true impression of who I am, since I will probably never ever wear a suit in their presence again after I interview. Never ever. I think we should all interview in scrubs...one less variable to be judged. Some people make checklists and take a bunch of notes to try and figure out where they will rank the places they interview at. I am mainly going on a gut-instinct-type feeling, which is sort of contrary to what I usually do. I guess I'll find out where I end up in March.

It was still chilly on Sunday morning, but the sun was bright and it warmed up quickly. I walked to a church by the hotel. I happened to go on a day where this church offered communion. In the midst of figuring out where I fit in, I forgot that I am part of a Body. It was comforting and familiar to worship with other people with whom I share beliefs. It was also comforting to know that I don't have to worry about where I wind up; wherever I match is where God wants me to be. I am feeling much more at peace about the whole decision-making process.

On a side note, with all this traveling, I didn't get a chance to go home for the Thanksgiving holiday, and now I'm feeling a little homesick. I was lucky enough to see my parents in October, and two months is by no means the longest I have gone without seeing them. I have seen my sister and her family a bunch as I stay the night with them before flights out of DFW. But for some reason, as I travel, I am acutely aware of how important my family is and how much I miss them. Loneliness is a good motivator to encourage reliance and dependence on my God, but it also is hard. Please pray.

"When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone." -- Tennessee Williams