empty room...

The sun was shining through the window as I entered his room this morning. The light scattered across the standard hospital-issued pink blanket and underneath the partitioning curtain. A new patient was on his way, but right then I was the only one in the room. Yesterday, there was a steady stream of family members and doctors and nurses and respiratory therapists, in and out and in and out. I was one of those people...

Four days ago, he was commenting on my "piercing blue eyes" and we were joking about his leftover bloomin' onion, which his family had picked up to try and coax him into eating. We didn't hit it off on our first meeting, but I was able to charm him into liking me. He laughed at my jokes, which made me want to tell more.

I checked in on him around 9:00PM...then 9:30...then around 10:10...then at 11:15. I left the floor to finish up some other things, then checked on him again at 11:45. I left his room, went down the hall into my call room, and cried for a little while. This isn't the first time I've had to deal with a dying patient, but I am not sure if experience makes it easier to deal with. I wondered what people would do if they really knew what death looks like. I took a shower and read a little bit. It was cold in the call room. I laid down on the bed, covered up with a few blankets, and tried to make the shivering stop. I attempted to pray, but I didn't really know how. I didn't know what I wanted God to do. I just wanted Him to show up. My prayers mostly consisted of "please."

He was pronounced dead at 12:43AM. I expected this ending, but it was still hard. I know God could have performed a miracle, and that maybe I would have walked into his room and he would be better, but I also knew that God is God and I am not. Today his room was bright and shiny and clean-smelling...and empty. And so is my heart, to some extent. I'm waiting on God to fill me back up, so I can pour out again. I am realizing more and more how difficult this calling is.

"But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith..."

"So I will very gladly spend for you everything I have and expend myself as well..."