held for the healing...

hello 2012! where has the time gone?

i am going to attempt to keep up with this again. writing has always been a way for me to get thoughts out to process and reflect. i don't really even care who reads.

jb (the hubs) sent me to florida to visit my family for a reunion after Christmas. i love the beach...sand and water and sun. due to the fact that i was staying in a hotel room with my sis, her hubby, and my three nephews, i tried to get some alone time each day i was there by walking along the beach in the morning, right after i woke up.

it was on the second day that i had a glimpse of the eternal in my life. i have to back up a bit to explain the whole situation.

in march of 2011, i had visited my mom in san antonio after she had broken her hip. on the flight back (or at least i think it was on the flight back), i developed a blood clot in my leg that embolized to my lungs (dvt + pe for those who are medically inclined). i didn't have many symptoms from the blood clot going to my lungs right away...i incidentally noted that my leg felt heavy at work that day, and later one went to the bathroom to discover that my leg was swollen and purple. i walked down to the ER at Chippenham (where i was working at the time), with the chief complaint of "i think i have a dvt." they did a ct scan of my chest and discovered massive pulmonary emboli scattered throughout both lungs with "large clot burden." i was in the icu for 2 days, and in the hospital for 3 days total. jb was worried. i was placed on blood thinning medication for the past 9 months. it was weird being a patient, sort of embarrassing, and definitely scary.

i had just quit my job, but luckily did not have any lapses in health insurance. i started at vcu a month later, feeling fairly well. but about 3-4 weeks after i started, a doctor who worked in the ER walked in the hospital and collapsed on the ramp leading from the parking deck. she essentially had the same condition i did, only her hospital course was far more dramatic. her heart stopped twice, and she went straight from the ER to the operating room, where they cracked her chest and performed a life-saving blood clot removal. i started to realize how lucky i was and how serious my illness could have been. needless to say, i developed significant anxiety from this. i saw my primary care doctor and enlisted the help of friends and family to pray for me because i just didn't feel right. jb was a huge source of support, and luckily the whole ordeal brought us closer together. but i know me being a hot mess for months was not what he had signed up for when we had gotten hitched 6 months previously. we learned a lot about the "in sickness and in health" part of our wedding vows.

all summer and fall, i had tried to get back into exercising; i had been training for a 10K prior to the dvt/pe, had lost some weight, and was feeling pretty good. but after 6 weeks with some activity restrictions and probably from the blood clots in the lungs, i felt out of shape. i gained the 25 lbs. i had lost...and then some. i got anxiety about leaving the house to exercise, mainly because i didn't want to be somewhere where i couldn't get help easily. i tried to walk with people, but felt out of shape. jb bought me a treadmill for Christmas (at my request), so i could train at home and feel like i could get help quickly if i needed it.

but really, the walks on the beach were the first time that i have felt good about walking and being outside. i was walking fairly slowly (18-19 minute miles), not really trying to push myself, listening to some praise music for encouragement. on my way back to the hotel, a song came on that had been in my mind for months, although i didn't realize it until i heard it again. the song is called "recovery" by eric peters, my former young life leader when i was in high school. i had told a friend a few weeks ago that i felt like i was in recovery from my illness, and that this word gave me a lot more freedom than feeling like i should be "completely healed" or "redeemed." i think i may have even mentioned the song, but i hadn't really heard it in a few years at least.

so the song came on, and i was listening to the lyrics, and these in particular struck me --

"at the admission of my failures you allowed my past to die.
held for the healing.
i found, i found, i found recovery."

the sun had risen, but the sky was still pastels...orange and yellow and green and blue. the sunlight reflected off the water in a way that it appeared iridescent. the air was cool. the beach was not deserted, but the people were scarce enough for me to feel alone. i stopped and took off my shoes. i pushed rewind and listened again. i felt my Father telling me i was going to be ok, and that he had preserved my life for His purpose. that i can admit when i feel weak, and i don't have to have it all together. because really...who has it all together?

i picked up a shell on which to write "recovery" to put in the backyard of the schmidt's (we have an altar of sorts in the vein of Joshua 4 ). i might write more on that topic later.

i feel at peace.

grace and blessings to you.